I am broken but I have not given up yet!

So I was reading the comments on my last post and was astonished at myself. How can I manage to stay away from my blog for so long? It's been ages. My dear friend Ayak thought I had stopped blogging, for which I certainly don't blame her because I have been completely absent from this wonderful world of blogs. :) Daisy, was kind enough to leave the URL of her new blog on the comments, thanks for that Daisy. It's kind of a co-incidence you know because just today I was thinking about you while working on my creative writing assignment.

Uhhhh... I really don't know where to start from. It's been so long. SO long. Even I have forgotten how many times I have fallen down and gathered myself to stand back up again. Everything these days has been a stress. Everything! :( My final exam result turned out to be a MAJOR disappointment. I got a 77% in Math although my class mark was a 88%, I got a 73% in English. I just don't know where I keep going wrong. I don't know! I worked hard, yes I did! For everything, I was working for a scholarship that would finance my education but how can I get a 90% average if I keep going wrong? I am trying so hard to accept the failures I keep meeting. I am trying, I am trying like anything in this world but everything seems stagnant. Like nothing is moving. Like nothing is working out. And then I just end up crying myself to sleep or feeling lost and hopeless.

The university wouldn't accept me because I don;t have three years of Canadian education. They require me to give some friggin' expensive long English tests even though my English Language is like all the other High School students in my school. I applied back in November and I haven't gotten accepted yet even though my average is good and I am doing good overall but the stupid English requirement! :''''( Maybe if I would have gotten a 75% on my English Final things would have worked out better but I didn't because I am a dumb ass. It's just taking me so long to accept it. I feel so hopeless and lost and alone. I don't have my friends here, I don't have my cousins here. I have my mom who is very supportive and I couldn't ask for more but I have always been surrounded by so many people that it's insanely difficult to go through everything alone. So on the top of everything I miss my family and friends so much that it's painful.

I am working my ass off to get enough money for my visit to Pakistan next year. I try hard to save up everything I earn, I don;t get myself clothes much just occasionally, because I want to visit more than anything. I miss everything so much. And sometimes I have awful days and I have nothing I can do about it, but I talk myself through it and tell myself I am doing this to get educated and go back and serve Pakistan. And most of the days I am very strong and optimistic and accepting but then there are days like this, when I let go and I cry and I try consoling myself. I am learning to live on my own. I am learning to support myself. I have always have my parents and my brothers, I can't compromise on them but there are other tiny spaces around my that are empty and I am filling them as I grow. I swear I am trying my best. And I guess, I will keep trying, even if it means accepting my failure to the point that I am content with being a failure. I will keep trying.

I am broken but I have not given up yet.

P.S Sorry for such a whiny post, the comeback was supposed to be stronger, but I really needed to write this down. Thanks for reading my blog :) I know, I am ungrateful and whiny but hopefully I won't be like this in the future. :)

Beyond imagination....

Two years back, I was just your lively, cheerful, full-of-life average teenager studying in a bourgeoisie all-girls' school, planning my future in Pakistan and cursing the hell of high school injustices. Absorbed in the heart-felt school friendships, giggling for hours at stupid jokes, trying to prove chivalry and guts among my classmates and indirectly being boastful of my grades.

Two years back, boys seemed like other-worldly species. Except for the presence of my brothers and dad, I grew wary of every other male presence that lingered by. Little crushes yoked to the possibilities of marriage and everything seemed as if meant to be. There were innocent feuds and I used to cry for my friends and get jealous. :)

Two years back, acing 10th grade was a major part of my life, career and university seemed distant, like those hills I gazed at the night before I left Pakistan. Hills which glistened with sparkles of light, hills which seemed way further than they actually were.

Two years back, when we talked about perverted topics, in fact, even relationships in hissed voices. Our jaws dropped to the floor just thinking of being in a relationship, abandoning the ethical codes of religion and society.

Two years back, I was the girl known as the plucky tomboy of the class. Straight forward and clear. The girl who came from a respectable family background and had a classy sense of style. The girl, who was liked and hated by a lot of people. The girl who watched wrestling and sweet romantic movies (secretly). The girl who left an impact on almost everyone she met and who let people leave an impact on her unconditionally!

Two years back, even my wildest dream couldn't have been as imaginative as to predict the possibility of being a thousand miles away from Pakistan in the next two years.

One year back the immigration letter made it's entrance into our lives.

A year back, I started in a co-ed school. When I was just too careful and awkward with guys, I thought they were my enemies! And then when I made good friends with the guys and girls, I moved in a group of 13 people. Loved by everyone. Did well in school yet felt underestimated all the time. Felt depressed.

A year back I found the most wonderful friend in a person who had been with me (unnoticed) for 12 years. She was so sweet and innocent sometimes I felt bitter compared to her. Her feelings so delicate and sensitive made me realized the decency she embraced. We talked like we have done a lot of wrong things and that we were a mess. A year back I never realized I would miss her that much.

A year back, I started acknowledging my surrounding like never before. I observed people caught up in the interplay of lust and youth, always trying to prove something with their braggadocio. Talking about all those western things like they were an obvious part of their lives. I observed people, trying to follow the western patterns of society defying our social norms and virtues.

A year back, I cursed myself whenever I had an unintended physical contact with a guy because it was against my culture and religion. I avoided perverted group conversations, 'cos I thought they adulterated the healthy friendships. I stopped myself from getting in to a relationship or breaking the norms of my society. And although, I slipped at some points I got back up, with stronger self-control and confidence.

A year back, I had seriously started considering the point that Pakistan might not be a witness to my entire life after all and Calgary might take Pakistan's place for a while. I started doing things, thinking it might be for the last time. My feelings were a mixture of a desperation and elation; the joy of a new experience and the grief of leaving everything behind.

A year back, I listened to Jonas brothers and Miley Cyrus and got disturbed even at the idea of smoking weed, or drinking. A year back, even after knowing everything, I was far away from the real world; living in the cocoon under my parent's protective wings not ready to face the world.

A year back, I learned how to get over stuff. I learned how to move on with life and I learned the importance of my friends in my life.

Today, I am a part of a liberal North American high school. Every day I come across many people with all sorts of faiths and cultures and I stand head-high proud of my own. I observe different cultures and it makes me love my culture even more. I understand how each culture in the world has it's roots and values and how absurd it is to follow a culture that contradicts your own.

Today, I talk to guys with extreme self-control. I am determined not to be a part of a relationship that would eventually end up in a break up. I am determined to maintain a zero physical contact policy till I get married. Boyfriends, relationships or sex doesn't fascinate me like it does a lot of people. My culture doesn't allow this and neither should I wallow in it.

Today, I strongly believe that Allah wants us to explore the world because he doesn't want our views to be primitive. Living in Calgary has made me closer to God, it has enlightened me about things I wouldn't have known had I lived in Pakistan forever!

Today, I feel independent, ready to face the world. I am out of my cocoon. I make my own decisions and I chose my own paths and I know my parents are there trusting me and guiding me through my life. I believe in myself and God. And I don't give a damn about people who have problems with me 'cos I have faith in God!

Today I listen to Nickelback, One republic, Lifehouse and John Mayer because their music and lyrics makes more sense to me than Jonas or Cyrus ever could. I think over issues deeply and avoid mistakes.

Today, while on my way to the mall, with my two new friends I realized, how drastically three years have changed me, in to a more sensible, more mature adult. How Allah has been generous to me keeping me away from major sins.

Today, I have no regrets, nothing I want to change in my past, nothing I have to change and nothing I have to redeem. I am an individual who made, through Allah's help, all the right decisions, who didn't hurt anyone, who respects and values all of Allah's creations in this world. I respect people's religions, their cultures and their traditions. There is a reason why Allah created so many different people in this world.

Today, I write this blog post to record this wonderful moment of enlightenment and gratitude, that life is such a wonderful gift and God has written our faiths with such adeptness that we can hardly cry for a misfortune. I don't know what Allah has planned for me, but I am sure they are big plans! :) And oh God, I trust you with my life so much! :)

I guess this was a sentimental post!

Tata! :)

The two sides of my coin!

Calgary, is starting to work out for me so well. The school, the neighborhood, the city, the people. I am actually starting to like each bit of it. The beautiful way the surroundings here depict the weather. The way leaves change their color to welcome fall and the way the wind grows more brutal with each day to slowly prepare the dwellers for the winters. I love the wave of happiness that washes over my heart when I feel the warmth of the sun's rays on my skin.

Allah helped me through this process of settling in, He made me move on from people who made fun of me in school and thank Him for people who are nice to me or at least talk to me in a very nice way! :) I found the nicest people in school and have someone to hang around with in every class. School life is on track! :)

I dropped in job applications at two places today, as I am seriously looking forward to working somewhere and earning money. Now, I want to earn money for a lot of reasons. To begin with, I want to send some money in form of charity back to Pakistan for people who are suffering due to floods or poverty. Secondly, I need to satisfy my atrociously wild shopping desires; I mean, I need to upgrade my closet, like a real fashionista, I need to have clothes that are classy and chic. My clothes from Pakistan won't work here as they are meant for warmer climates, so for that I need money. Thirdly, my brothers can't work at this point so I want to look after their little needs as well, so for all these noble causes I need bucks and for bucks I am ready to satisfy my weekends and work! :)

My mom and dad are looking hard for jobs too and I have an intuition that, InshAllah by Allah's will, our future looks bright and promising. :) Calgary is beginning to accept us, as we are beginning to accept Calgary. :) Our house is starting to feel like a home and my brothers and I are as interactive and loving as ever, helping mom and dad and each other. It's like the family is coming closer, growing stronger. :)

But that was just one side of my coin, but when you flip to the other side; things are different.

Every morning when I wake up, I glance at the picture frames on my bedside table and never, does a tear miss a chance to escape my eye and roll down my cheek slowly, making it's movement felt; slithering against my skin. Every morning one such tear makes me realize how half of my heart is still in Pakistan with the people I love more than all other creations in this world combined. Immediate family, they are always loved but then there are people that don't classify as immediate blood but you love those people like brothers and sisters. Those are the people who keep denying when I ask for half of my heart back.

I log on to Facebook and I take hours replying all those people, trying my best to make my presence felt. Telling them about my school and life here. All of them are so wonderful, they always reply me and they miss me so much. They skype me and I know very well, they love me and it comforts me so much to know that.

People keep messaging how they miss me but I hate saying I miss them back. You know why? Because they are empty words compared to my emotions. They are empty words to describe how each of my thought, during the course of the day, links back to Pakistan or someone in Pakistan. They are empty words to describe that every once in a while I surreptitiously wipe a tear off my cheek before anyone notices. They are empty words to describe how every time I go shopping I start looking for things I would have given to my people as birthday gifts. They are empty words to describe how often I imagine myself in situations I would have been in had I still been living in Pakistan. I imagine myself in senior year in Pakistan and the major parties my friends go to and the sleepovers my cousin have. For everything I go through everyday due to separation from Pakistan saying 'I miss you' seems so empty and bland.

My feelings are torn apart between Calgary and Canada. My heart is divided in two. I wanna go back to Pakistan but I wanna be in Calgary too (both wishes have different rationales). I want my people to come here and visit me too. I want Pakistan to improve and be as developed as Canada. It's like everything I think of is chained to two different thoughts. One regarding to Pakistan other to Calgary! For example when I think of weddings, I think of Pakistani weddings. They are so colorful and vibrant and then I think of western weddings how simple and elegant they are. And then I think how would I like mine to be and the answer to this is: I'd like to have both! :/ See, this is how it is in my mind!

John Mayer seems to be aware of such a condition. Because the lyrics of his song 'Half of my heart' is an exact word-to-word description of the sentimental state of my mind right now.

And I am not lying when I say that every word exactly matches my feelings:

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart

Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you, can’t keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart ( And my mind tells me to keep the past behind me and move on)

I was made to believe I’d never love somebody else
Made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, until the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart

Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Than half of my heart
But I can’t stop loving you
I can’t stop loving you
I can’t stop loving you
I can’t stop loving you
I can’t stop loving you
With half of my . . .

Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart

Half of my heart’s got a real good imagination
Half of my heart’s got you
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won’t do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who’s never truly loved anything

Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart . . .

Okay and just one last thing before I finally say a 'Tata'. You know, how some fragrances and clothes and songs generate this weird vibe of nostalgia in you. Well, when we landed in Calgary this was the song that was on the plane while we were waiting to go off. At that time, I was a emotional wreak, repugnant towards the idea of moving and I thought I had nothing to look forward to. Well, this song gives me that weird nostalgia!

These were the two sides of my coin.

Tata! :)

The All-Pakistani girl in Calgary! :)

Okay so last time when I wrote I was an emotional wreak. I didn't want to leave Pakistan at all, I didn't wanna leave the people but I HAD to...

And then I landed in Calgary

And I really liked it here! A LOT. I found it welcoming and really quiet and peaceful. The only thing that sucks about here is that I don't have MY people around me. My friends, my cousins, my family! The people I love the most. But the city, it's beautiful. Very lovable! :)

Okay so last post was too short and it didn't specify anything. Am I still the all Pakistani girl you guys used to read so much about? Well, yes I am. Why not? Just that now I am the Pakistani girl in Calgary. that's what my blog is going to be about here. My experiences as a Pakistani girl in Calgary. I am thankful to all my readers for liking my blog so much and sticking to it and helping me! I really love you guys.

So from now on, you'll be reading about my adventures in Calgary. I hope they'll be as interesting as the ones I had back in Pakistan. Of course it wouldn't be exactly like Pakistan, Pakistan is my love! :) But they won't be that boring, I promise. My Pakistani ways are alien here! But it's okay. The people here are nice! :)

Well, I start school from next week and I move into my new house this Saturday. Fingers crossed for my new life here! :)

Tata! :)

One long post! :)

I have been really busy with the moving as I mentioned in my previous post. So that's all I have been doing lately: packing, meeting people, attending farewell parties and receiving farewell gifts and taking loads of pictures.

I am taking pictures for two reasons: 1. I want to put things on my blog and 2. I want to freeze every beautiful memory of this place before I leave. So this post would be mainly pictorial.

So on Monday I visited my maternal aunt's all-girls, government-owned school. People who read my 5oth post might be aware of my maternal aunt and her school. I posted her interview and about of the work she has done for the school.

So I took pictures of her school and you know it's really sad to know the educational standards in Pakistan. It's like education is only for the rich and the under-privileged don't deserve anything. The government-owned schools due to low tuition fees are places where the kids of the under-privileged study but the Pakistani government doesn't put in enough effort to make their educational experience, a standard one. And though my maternal aunt as the principal put in all the work she could to educate the girls to their best, the government-owned school still lacks modern facilities. The school is built in a tunnel under a flyover in a posh area of Karachi. It has been there for more than four decades but I guess the government is still oblivious. Perhaps they have no idea how hard it is for girls to get educated inside a tunnel, without even a proper school building! (For a detailed report on the school click here)

I'll just let the pictures say the rest:

The school courtyard and the flyover

The classrooms inside the tunnel separated by walls.

A glimpse of their class room

The girls leaving in a queue after the bell rings

Shattered I was after I left the school building. It was simply heart-wreaking, I kept questioning myself; 'Is this a price they have to pay for not being born with a silver spoon in their mouths??' 'So saaaddd'

So innocent were the faces of those girls I really couldn't help smiling when I looked their way, and then their bright smiles in return. I thank God for being so generous to me and giving me a chance to be a part of great schools and I also thank him for enlightening my heart with the sense of responsibility that I have to work for these children and help them. And InshAllah, I will! :)

On a lighter note. I'd also like to share with you some other pictures from recent days. :) So here goes:

I baked brownies a few days back and they turned out delicious! :)

The mixture (before)

In the oven

And the final product!

I got awesome farewell gifts from my bffs

Bun pins! :)

I love love love my friends! :) :) :)

I listened to street children chanting praise for the holy month of Ramadan. :)

The instrument around his neck is a dholak. A traditional south Asian drum-type instrument!

And finally,

Tata! :)

P.S: I just really LOVE Karachi, Pakistan. Moving from here is So hard!

'Boys over flowers' and the party! :D

Three words: Boys over flowers. Enough said.

Okay, so let me explain lately my cousin introduced me to the world of Korean Drama series and I am simply loving them! I watched 10 1-hour episodes in just like two days. It is so awesome. The story-line is extremely well developed. It is clean unlike the American teenage dramas I follow and most importantly it has a cast of the most cutest Asian guys I have ever had the opportunity of setting my eyes on. I mean seriously, they are so cute and the characters they play are so distinct and different and of course, like the story-line itself, well-developed! And by the way, when I say cute, I mean heart-melting, goosebumps-giving cute!

Other than that I just attended the annual dinner at my school this Wednesday which went well. A lot of my friends didn't come due to prior engagements. But anyway, I had fun, 'cos it seemed like junior year days; when I used to talk about random stuff and all of my friends made fun of each other and we laughed! :) Ahhh!

Anyway, I am gonna keep this short 'cos my cousin is waiting for me to finish so we could resume with 'Boys over flowers'! I leave you with a video of the show! :D

And Kim Bum (in the picture above) is the cutest of all cast! :)

Till, the next time;

Tata! :)

Fun! :)

I have never been so frequent in updating my blog as I am these days. I get so bored using the internet and eventually end up writing a post. And as you all might know: I always have a lot to say! :D

Last two days were so much fun. Yesterday we I hung out with my cousins and today we celebrated my other cousin's first anniversary! :D

Yesterday, two of my cousins and I went to a mall. And you know how malls are always so much fun. And as usual I found myself drooling over stuff but this time I was strong enough not to buy even a single pin! Oh yeah, not even a single pin. I mean I can't let this mania wash over me, shopping malls are just places, I don't want them to turn into signs that signify the importance of a shopaholic therapy for me. Come on, my self-control isn't that lose. Therefore, I am extremely proud in announcing that I didn't buy anything.

Then we went to a crazy amusement park and rode all the crazy rides. The roller coaster and this ride called magic carpet. And hysteria conquered my emotions. I screamed like crazy when the rides started. It was so much fun. The rides were crazy. The 'magic carpet' was so bananas that I was literally jerking on my seat, at instants I was inches above my seat. My cousins and I were rolling with laughter when we got out. Too good!

And then finally we sealed the trip with a dinner at a very nice local restaurant. I ordered Italian food, but as usual I found my cousin's order tastier. Although mine was really good as well. But a bit heavy. Half of it was enough to fill me up! :)

Today is my best friend's birthday. She called me over to her house but I wasn't able to go 'cos I had to attend the celebration of my cousin's first wedding anniversary. I had fun but I wish I could have gone to her place too. I hate when I have to make such decisions, but then again going to the anniversary was obligatory. With family and all. I am still searching for a present for my friend. Any suggestions anyone?

It's really late at night and I am still up like an owl. My mom is curious as to what keeps me up so late. She doesn't get blogging can be addictive! :P She is annoyed too. She hates the fact that my day starts at 1:00 PM when half of the people are already through the half of their day. Well, anyway, it's vacations, so she cuts some slack. I love her! :D

Happy Birthday, my bestie! :)

And Happy Anniversary cous!

Tata! :)

Just another boring post

Ok, so I don't know if people do it too or not, but it's weird that I choose a topic for my post after I am done writing. 'Cos the truth is when I begin writing, I don't know where would it take me. I just begin and connect thought to thought to thought.

Anyway, I am not as bored these days as I mentioned in my previous post. My cousin is visiting after almost 7 years from Canada and we are having awful fun together. Like awful fun. We visit places and we talk and play cards. I mean, it has been seven years. When I was on my way to the airport I didn't even know what would I say to her or what would we talk about. I mean when she visited last time I was just in fifth grade and things were way different. Now I am more mature and understanding (probably) so it's more fun. I didn't know what she liked or disliked or would she like me or not but things turned out fine. Better than fine, I would say!

She is really quiet but my brothers and I make it easy for her, we talk all the time, crack jokes and stuff and now she is opening up too. My brothers, they are so awesome. I am happy she is here :)

Other than that, yesterday I had a get together with few of my friends. And it was far better than the last one I posted about. I wanted my cousin to meet up with them so we planned this and it went great. I had fun.

I would also like to write about this friend of mine, a great friend of mine, who has this fairy tale thing going on for her and I am sooo happy for her, I can't describe it in words. I mean, I hope things just go exactly the way she wants them too. I am just soo happy, when she called me up, I was literally screaming on the phone. I am a sucker for happy endings. Especially the ones which have a handsome prince involved ;) If you know what I mean.

And I know how all of this sounds all so disconnected but this is all I have to write about. Without high school, my blog has been drained of juicy stuff. From now on, I'll just choose a random topic and write about that. I really hate boring my readers. Really!

Anyway, that's all

Tata

What sucks the most

Okay so after almost a month I hung out with my friends today at a mall, and may I mention something... I didn't like it one bit. Yeah, you read it right, one bit! All the time I felt as if I had missed out on stuff. Half of the things people were talking about I was not able to decipher and the other half which made a little sense just seemed disconnected. Everyone was busy doing their stuff. Two of my friends had their heads lost in texting, I don't know what was going on with them but seriously, they were receiving texts and then passing sheepish smiles to each other. And you know, those scenes in movies where there is this one person who just seems out of place, that person whose eyes are moving like a pendulum between the two main characters; that is what I was like. Seriosuly everything just made no friggin' sense!

And then two other friends of mine arrived: perverts in making. And like one of them is such a...freak! I mean he was chasing girls and everything. At least that is what I deciphered after seeing him mutter stuff to his other guy friends and pointing girls on the next floor! That was all just too eerie. It seemed sick. He was was darting in and out of jewelery stores announcing that he has found the perfect ring! Really could it get weirder than that! :/

Then when I had actually had enough, I called up my brother to come and pick me up. My brother is so sane. I wrote it once in my english journal, while writing an essay, that my brother is a picture of how guys should be. And the moment I caught a glimpse of this teenage boy in a football jersey making his way through the door, I got up said my half hearted good bye weaved my fingers through his and started scurrying towards the door.

The minute I entered my home my mom conjectured that the whole thing went 'just fine'. Her instincts. Then I called up my friend who had dropped out of the scene to tell her that she should have no regrets! She was laughing her ass off. Huh, my 'bitches'. Can't hate 'em, can't ignore them.

Well, I am happy to inform that I have finally found a summer job. I am teaching my friends younger brother the art of creative writing, though I do doubt the fact that I have attained possession of it. But what the heck, I do like the idea of teaching. I am also helping a kid in the neighborhood for free. Her parents can't afford proper tutoring so I offered. It feels nice to help people.

Well, now that I have yarned out all that was building inside me I think I should conclude this post with a:

Tata! :)

Lazy, smug me and the party! :D

Okay, so I really don't know why I don't blog anymore! Maybe it's just mere laziness or the fact that I have a very low number of readers. But seriously every time, Mr. Anonymous's e-mail pops in my inbox, it is successful in triggering enough determination to make me write a post! I wish I had more readers though, the way I used to have before :(.

Anyway, I just came back from an awesome party which I threw for my friends at Pizza Hut. What was the party for? Well, it was certainly not for my pre-boards exams 'cos seriously my result just wasn't worth it! Ha Ha. What actually deserved a celebration was the fact that I am one of the fifty students all around Pakistan who cleared the National Chemistry Contest and are now going to be sponsored for a free training in that subject. How is that! :D

Well, chemistry has always been my subject. I have always been a scorer in that area. Now my finals are starting form 11 th May and I seriously need to get started with the revision. Like seriously!

Other than that, I feel important to mention that I so lorve my friends. All millions of them. Everyone is just so special, I don't believe I have so many nice ones. Okay, so I don't have like this one person I am totally intimate with, I have loads. I don't shy away from talking to people and sharing my thoughts and feelings with them. I believe I have so many dimensions to my personality that just one person is not enough to understand me. I share different dimensions with different people. And that makes life a whole lot easier. I don't have hard core secrets I might shy away from telling. So with me, it's not all that complicated. Secondly, I am the kind who can easily get along with all sorts of people. I don't hold grudges for a very long time (in very rare cases I do). I easily forgive and put stuff behind me. It's hard not to like me, once you get to know me. And seriously I am not being complacent! :P

My mind is bobbling with ideas of writings these days. Stories and poems and scripts I want to write them down but I don't know where my time flies. I don't study, I don't do anything productive. I guess all I do is lie around watching TV or social networking :P (you know my friends!). Khair, There is this new Miley Cyrus song I am crazy about these days. It's 'When I look at you' from the movie 'The last song'. By the way, Liem Hesworth is so hot. I can prove it, 'cos this time my cousin is with me, who usually never supports my guy-choices!

Anyway, I am sleepy and tired. I have to go to school tomorrow. Please pray that I get to studying soon or else..

Tata! :)

Crying day!

So I broke, unintentionally into tears today at the lunch time in front of my friends and probably a lot of other people around. I just couldn't help it, two bad days in a row were just too much for me to handle!

Yesterday, I lost the debate. Today, I lost the post for the support co-editor of the school magazine. And there is this teacher's pet girl who got that. Just because she has been to America while I am just a local. My teacher wouldn't want me!!

So when I heard about this, I was soo flabbergasted that I started crying, hot burning tears started rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't stop crying. My friends went all wary, they started consolidating and stuff. It is nice to have a good bunch of people around you, who try to make you feel better even when it is next to impossible!

So, then in a crybaby voice, I told the 'Gothic inside' guy everything that had happened, and he cheered me up in a really nice way. nice guy he is! :)

The real reason, I was really disappointed was that in my old school a friend of mine and I, were selected as the editors. I did all the work while my friend chilled out. And when the magazine came out, her name was there as the editor all-the-same! She was given equal credit!

Anyway, her friend showed the magazine to a teacher and the teacher got her selected for the post of second post. The first one was taken by the teacher's pet girl. This boiled me up to the brim... I was all like, a girl can get the post in regard of the work she never did and I couldn't get it for my own freakin' hard work!

So this made me cry and I cried my heart out when I came back home and my mom was worried sick. She hates when I cry..I hate that too!! But I couldn't help it.

A girl of my class read my blog and now I'm kinda cautious!! I did make her promise that she won't read it again, I hope she sticks to that, or I'll have to shut my baby bloggy down. Enough for today.

Toodles! :)

I LOST! :(

I lost the debate! And I felt really bad. I went there on the stage, I was pretty close to forgetting my lines at some point, I skipped one whole most important paragraph of my debate and the asshole from my class kept laughing, distracting me! But you know what?? Sitting here in my room, 8:00 at night, I say, I don't freakin' care. So what, that I lost, at least I tried. Why should I even care that I messed up or that asshole was laughing at me! That asshole has nothing better to do, 'cos if he would have he won't be wasting his time laughing at me!

So no wonder I was really disappointed initially when I heard that I had lost. I have been debating for four years in a row and i have never won anything. Maybe I should get used to losing now. Maybe debate ain't my thing. I just do it! So my contorted itself into a crybaby form, and I seemed pretty sad! But bless those really really really nice friends that I have that made everything bearable. I thank whole heartedly, the nicest high school friends one could ask for: 'Gothic inside' guy, Mr. Arsi and his twin sista Ms. Amsi!

So the 'Gothic inside' guy kept trying to cheer me up, like a friend, a good friend. I am happy that no stupid relationship junk interferes. Sometimes it is nice to have it 'just friends' way! :)

So anyways, tomorrow the lunch is on me and 'Gothic inside' guy, for two reasons. He got his prefect post back (which was taken from him) and I represented my whole class in the speech! So we will be giving everyone a 'treat', that is what we call it here! :)

Anyways, I am glad that I am over my disappointment, thanks to a lot of people. My cousin came over after such a long time and we had crazy time together. Tomorrow is Friday, I am happy that the week is coming to an end! I do need a break from high school crapology, as MelRoxx puts it!

I leave you with this song, which has been my favorite since 8th garde. I love the music video! Just tooo cute. So here goes, Lionell Richie -I call it love!

My motto for today:- Let's get CRAAAAZZY!!

Okay so today I skipped my high school to visit my old school today. My old school is a really nice place, and now I miss it soooo darn much. Back when I was studying there I was super popular among the teachers and the students. I was a straight A student, really active in literary activities and playing pranks, a total tomboyand all the girls used to love my plucky style. I was valued there and I really felt like someone.



So today was the Eid milan Party at my old school and everyone came in their casual dresses. All of my old friends, who were in my grade skipped their high schools too, to visit school.



It was totally off-the-hook meeting all those people, people I used to goof around with. Teachers whose classes I used to skip. My English teacher appreciated me a lot and I appreciated her a lot too. It felt sooo nice meeting her again and meeting my computer teacher, who really appreciated me for my computer skills but hated my pranks!



We shared our eerie experiences from high school life and laughed at stuff which usually worries me. I met my best old school buddy and we laughed like hell today. Together my time at school was something i really needed. A big break from my high school life!!



Once the school was over, we planned to go to Pizza Hut. But the problem is how do we reach there? So what we did was we got on an already over crowded school van and stuffed ourselves in! I had to stand all the way but it was totally fun. when we reached there we did all sorta crazy stuff, laughed like hell and everything went great!!

By the end of the day I was just happy that i had got the much needed break from my high school life!!

I call it a day!

29 July 2009

I had to go to school for the rehearsal of our Matriculation convocation (matriculation equals to sophomore year), so I decided to spend the rest of the day at my friend's place. Sarwat has been my friend since sixth grade and she is the only friend who I am allowed to visit. Why not others, well let's just say that there are somethings we call as limitations in our society.
In respectable Pakistani societies (the one where I belong) girls are protected from an outsider's eye. Girls don't move around as liberally as men do and they have to carry a dupatta, a large piece of cloth, with their dresses to cover themselves. It's not necessary that one covers her head with the dupatta, but a duppata is otherwise very important. This doesn't mean that girls are held back, girls are allowed to get educated and work. They even study with guys, but we have limits, such as pre-marital relationships and physical contact with guy is regarded as utter vulgarity. Guys and girls don't mingle around a lot and we have a strong system of arranged marriages, which work out most of the times! But please keep in mind that I talk about respectable Pakistani families here. Other family types, I'll cover them sometime later!

This is how a our Pakistani national dress looks like, it's called Shalwar Kamiz (btw the girl in the pic is not me!)



So the reason I am allowed to go to Sarwat's place is that they are a respectable family and I am pretty fine with it!
It was fun to visit school (Let me state that I went to an all girls school). It had been so long since I had seen faces I was used to of seeing everyday (two months to be exact). I got to meet a lot of people; some really nice ones, some not soo nice ones and some what can I say I hate 'em.
While I was waiting for Sarwat's driver to arrive I had a little thought provoking chat with a friend of mine (can't mention the name), who is a genious student and a really nice person. You might be wondering why I introduced the talk we had as thought provoking, well the thing is that while we were sitting she just started talking about the hard times she is going through. Her dad's inconsistent job and how bad she feels for that. Her voice was soo watery and her eyes were all teary! It just put me to the thought that how spoiled I am and how I just get everything. It made me feel ashamed of myself that I am so unaware of what people might be going through! Their struggles, of how it feels when you want something but you know you can't get it! I was speechless, I didn't know how to console her. My thoughts were enough to keep me engaged within myself while I delved my vocabulary for the right words. Before I could utter much Sarwat beckoned me to the door. Her driver was there. I took my friend's number and promised to keep in touch. I was too pensive to say anything else!
So what did Sarwat and I do when we got to her place...umm...Talk talk eat talk and laugh! For me it was more like I poured everything right in front of her until my head felt empty and light! I think she did the same 'cos by the end of the day we were feeling soo light and refreshed that we laughed on the most stupidest of things! It was certainly a day!
After I came home, I was sooo damn tired and sleepy that unintentionally, I had to make my way to my bed. It was not what I'll call a sound sleep but it was certainly a necessary one. While I snoozed away my brothers used the laptop to play games, but after an hour I was up again so they had to leave! Usman, complaint that he didn't get a chance to play a single game! Oh well!
So I browsed around here and there for a while and then went back to my mere nothingness, my sleep! I call it a day!!!