So I was reading the comments on my last post and was astonished at myself. How can I manage to stay away from my blog for so long? It's been ages. My dear friend Ayak thought I had stopped blogging, for which I certainly don't blame her because I have been completely absent from this wonderful world of blogs. :) Daisy, was kind enough to leave the URL of her new blog on the comments, thanks for that Daisy. It's kind of a co-incidence you know because just today I was thinking about you while working on my creative writing assignment.
Uhhhh... I really don't know where to start from. It's been so long. SO long. Even I have forgotten how many times I have fallen down and gathered myself to stand back up again. Everything these days has been a stress. Everything! :( My final exam result turned out to be a MAJOR disappointment. I got a 77% in Math although my class mark was a 88%, I got a 73% in English. I just don't know where I keep going wrong. I don't know! I worked hard, yes I did! For everything, I was working for a scholarship that would finance my education but how can I get a 90% average if I keep going wrong? I am trying so hard to accept the failures I keep meeting. I am trying, I am trying like anything in this world but everything seems stagnant. Like nothing is moving. Like nothing is working out. And then I just end up crying myself to sleep or feeling lost and hopeless.
The university wouldn't accept me because I don;t have three years of Canadian education. They require me to give some friggin' expensive long English tests even though my English Language is like all the other High School students in my school. I applied back in November and I haven't gotten accepted yet even though my average is good and I am doing good overall but the stupid English requirement! :''''( Maybe if I would have gotten a 75% on my English Final things would have worked out better but I didn't because I am a dumb ass. It's just taking me so long to accept it. I feel so hopeless and lost and alone. I don't have my friends here, I don't have my cousins here. I have my mom who is very supportive and I couldn't ask for more but I have always been surrounded by so many people that it's insanely difficult to go through everything alone. So on the top of everything I miss my family and friends so much that it's painful.
I am working my ass off to get enough money for my visit to Pakistan next year. I try hard to save up everything I earn, I don;t get myself clothes much just occasionally, because I want to visit more than anything. I miss everything so much. And sometimes I have awful days and I have nothing I can do about it, but I talk myself through it and tell myself I am doing this to get educated and go back and serve Pakistan. And most of the days I am very strong and optimistic and accepting but then there are days like this, when I let go and I cry and I try consoling myself. I am learning to live on my own. I am learning to support myself. I have always have my parents and my brothers, I can't compromise on them but there are other tiny spaces around my that are empty and I am filling them as I grow. I swear I am trying my best. And I guess, I will keep trying, even if it means accepting my failure to the point that I am content with being a failure. I will keep trying.
I am broken but I have not given up yet.
P.S Sorry for such a whiny post, the comeback was supposed to be stronger, but I really needed to write this down. Thanks for reading my blog :) I know, I am ungrateful and whiny but hopefully I won't be like this in the future. :)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
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Oh Kaibee. I can feel all your sadness and frustration. Please believe me when I say that this won't last...honestly...it's a phase most people go through at some time in their lives. You have had so many huge changes in your life. It's a lot to cope with and you've had a lot of new things to adapt to.
ReplyDeleteStop trying so hard to be perfect. None of us are perfect. You are a very bright and intelligent young woman. You will find something thats suitable for your talents. But you have to stop setting yourself unachievable targets. Just sit down calmly and write yourself a list of realistic aims. Work through your list slowly. Cross them off one by one...if they work out that's fine..but if they don't there's no need to beat yourself up about it.
Just a thought. If you miss Pakistan so much, would your parents agree to your going back there to live? Do you have relations you could stay with?
Sending you big hugs (())xx
I was just thinking about you today, wondering how you have been.
ReplyDeleteI understand life feeling stagnant, and everything seeming to go wrong. It is not fun. It is so hard. But it never lasts forever. It will come to a close with something wonderful.
I hope you can soon get enough to visit Pakistan. That would be wonderful for you. I know you do have some friends in Calgary. You also have many friends here in blog land. Hugs and prayers are sent your way. I hope that things look up for you very soon. Good luck with getting things together for school. It will all work out in the end. I promise.
Hey Kaibee,
ReplyDeleteWell, I can fully understand your situation and I hope things turn around fast....they always do but it takes times.
Do you consider applying for a Korean university or scholarship for your undergrad studies?
Please let me know & I think I can help you!
ALL THE BEST and CHEER UP!
Dear sweet Kaibee, I don't like hearing you like this, but I am sure that even after a big storm, even after you're desperate for a sunbeam... the sun will come out again! Unexpectedly... You're a strong and wise young woman... and you will work hard to make some of your dreams come true. I am so sure about this... and then you will smile and light up the world! :-)
ReplyDeleteI hug you!
Hey :D
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness!
Dont be sad dear, I hope and pray that everything goes to the right path. Seriously, bad times come BUT GO so dont worry.
By going through your blog, I can see that you really love Pakistan. Why did you leave it? Fine I understand, there might have been some issues.. right? But is there no chance of coming back?
Anyways, I repeat that you should not worry much. Keep your hopes high and stay strong. You'll find true happiness very soon, InshaAllah!
Bye.
P.s I loveeee your blog, sister.
I love your blog!
ReplyDeleteHuck Towel
Hey, good to see you back after long!
ReplyDeleteIt seems you have had lot to deal with. It's okay, not to worry too much, just do what you think is right for you, and yes keep trying.
As for the grades are concerned, why don't you talk to other students who have got better grades than you? you may get to know what you are NOT doing or even your teachers should able to help you out.
Don't rush to conclusions, it is understood that in a new environment things may not go as planned or as you wish to, one has to be persistent and keep faith on Allah (SWT) and do your best :)
everything is fine... don't worry :)
ReplyDeleteits okay life is all about gaining and losing but we have to put our 100% efforts always no matter what ever we got but we have to do our part of work so keep going
ReplyDeleteYou are a part of my post: http://idare2differ.blogspot.com/2011/04/two-more-on-my-plate.html
ReplyDeleteYES. YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED. Check it out as soon as possible.
OMG ! i cant believe it ..ur that miss baig right ?? from AKHSS i guess.. idk how i found ur post about that goin to calgary and then i realized OMG it's khulud !! aren't ya ?
ReplyDeletesuch a nice blog.....
ReplyDelete