Hurt!! :(

So there is this guy who lives in our neighborhood, two years younger than me. He is a friend of my brother's and a friend of mine as well. So 3 months back, back in July he confessed, that he is madly in love with me. Let's just call him Mr.A. 

Mr.A goes to a posh school in a city, you know the ones where all the brats and daddy's princesses study. People from such schools usually have this major superiority complex and consider everyone inferior to them. They believe that they are the only people who can afford every thing! Money is everything for them. 

Now, I don't goto a super posh school but my high school is certainly one of the best in Karachi (the city where I live) but as it is not situated in a posh area, I certainly am a part of the inferior society in their eye.

I am a really average Pakistani girl, I have a tan  complexion, little dark circles round my eyes, really really really really bushy hair and a healthy figure. I am not the model type perfect girl, who spends a lot of time on her to make her look good. I am average and I am content with that!!I belong to well-off family and get everything I ask for. I am not spoiled but I don't have to compromise on stuff either. I goto a high school a lot of people dream of and I have a bunch of really cool friends with me. I am absolutely thankful to God for everything I have and I can ask for nothing more!! 

So when Mr.A confessed to me (0n Facebook chat) I tried knocking some sense into him. Made it clear that I am older than him, that I don't like him back, that there are better, hotter girls in his school. But he was determined and I gave up. I still think it is awfully stupid of him to like me, but I am pretty impotent at this point!

So Mr.A put a status on me on Facebook and one of his daddy's-princess-friend was all like, 'I have seen the picture of the girl whose name started with 'k' (me), are you serious?? :D' on his status. And then Mr.A went like, 'How do you know about this!!'

When I read this for a while I felt kinda bad. Bad that I ain't that pretty, bad that I don't go to such a school. I mean, when she said 'are you serious?' was it like, I am not worth being liked?? And I wonder where she saw my picture from! Maybe I am not the pretty princess type but I still have a darn heart and sometimes it still hurts! I can go around being all sensible and mature but by the end of the day I am a sixteen year old teenager, I have feelings and a heart!!!

Is money the only freakin' thing that matters these days, and even if it does it is not like I am broke. I am pretty content but I guess it is more important to live in a posh area, study in a posh school and spend as much money on yourself as you can to appear pretty all the time!! Other things, they don't matter anymore!!!

I kept trying to explain myself, reasoning it out that how stupid it is to feel bad for such a thing. It is not like I like Mr.A back, so why should I care? But I have to admit I am just sixteen and that thing the girl wrote, just broke through all the walls of maturity and sensibility right into the fragile heart of this sixteen year old. And this sixteen year old is really really hurt! :( 

They say they aren't serious!!! LOL

Okay so I mentioned this guy, Mr.T in my previous post. The one who keeps flirting with a girl, say Ms.F, in my grade even though he has a girlfriend (probably his mom and dad don't even have a clue about that!)

So today in the Urdu (my mother tongue) class, we were reading a romantic short story. Ms.F and Mr.T were sitting partners and the whole flirting and girl-blushing thing was going on, when the teacher asked Mr.T to read it. Now when he was reading it the teacher asked him to read in a really soft romantic way; the way it was meant to be read. And do you know what he replied?

He went like, "I am sitting at the wrong place then!" (as in, he was sitting besides Ms.F)

GOSH! 'Wrong place'! What an obvious flirt!! What an obvious flirt!!!!! But even then I guess Ms.F went red, as if this was the cutest remark ever!!! I mean okay, if the whole scene would have been different, I kinda think it was cute. But keeping the whole already-has-a-girlfriend scene in mind and how all of this is hidden from their parents AND how unethical it is; it was just plain WRONG!!

Once the school was over, I had a little chat with Mr.F and asked her about the whole thing.

I was all like, "You seem pretty red all the time these days!!"

She went, in the girliest guilty-of-liking-Mr.T's-flirtatious-comments kinda voice, "No, it is not what you think. We are not at all serious, in fact Mr.T is really serious with his girlfriend. He just jokes around with me"

'Not serious', my butt!!! I mean if they are not serious and if this is all a charade why does Mr.T look at her as he desperately wants her. If Mr.T is really soo serious with his girlfriend, why is that asshole flirting with some other girl????

I feel bad for Mr.T's girl friend. She goes to some other high school and probably doesn't even know what a asshole her boyfriend is. And if she does I feel that she herself is the biggest loser ever, still sticking to him! Girls are such mindless freaks!!!

Anyway, as the whole story does not concern me in any possible manner. I don't say a word about it in high school, I just let it be. I have not taken responsibility to correct everyone's deeds now; have I?? I just wanted to get it all out, everything that I think about this darn matter, so I wrote it down here. Do let me know what you think.

I just gave my blog a makeover. Tell me if you like it or not. Also please add me on Facebook!! :) 

Toodles!! :)

It's always the same guy girl thing!! :/

So I got in the English literary society!! YAY ME!! :) I am really happy. The 'Gothic inside' guy didn't make it though. I think it was a little awkward, you know, me getting in; he is really good at English too, maybe better than me and he should have gotten in. Oh well, I hope he gets something else, equally good or maybe better.

Finally I have something to look forward to in college other than the antics of those freakin' assholes in my class. Okay, so maybe this is the point where my readers might notice a difference. My blog readers might be surprised at how much I have been abusing lately. But trust me, I have a valid reason for that. I am sick and tired of people in my grade, they seem soooo irritating and stupid. Writing it all here on my blog makes me feel better whenever I look at them making fun of me or quietly passing a comment about me. It keeps me calm through those situation, helps me not getting into a fight with them. My heart dances a little funky dance whenever I they do something bad to me, 'cos those freaks don't know that a bunch of people in far off countries know them as assholes. The thought never lets me down!! In fact it makes me stronger and more confident through the day, I don't give a damn about what they do or say, I have an online journal and people who care!! (Even though my readers are really small in number!!) 

But, what if I am mistaken about them. What if I just think that they are commenting on me when they don't even care??? Well if it is so, though I know it's not, than I will apologize to them on my blog. For now I am sure it ain't so!

So anyway, there is this guy in my class, Mr.T, who has a girlfriend. I really don't know if he is serious with her or not but he is a big flirt and a pervert and a...okay, that is a different story. So he is a big flirt and he flirts with this really nice girl in my grade. It is so annoying, I mean he eyes her in such a weird way, and no wonder the girl really likes his attention and likes it when he sits partners with her. BUT IT IS STILL SO FREAKIN' SICK! I just keep telling myself that I can't take control of everything now; can I?

I also really really hate it when guys and girls go all physical with each other for no good  reason. I mean why would you want to touch some guy's hand or let that guy touch you or ruffle that guy's hair and stuff like that, if you are 'just friends' with that guy. Gosh, it seems so gross!!! :/ If this is how the friend business works, I sooo don't want to stick around for the relationship business. I have guy friends too, but we never go physical, I always keep my distance. That is how people from a respectable Pakistani society should act. Only if we valued our culture and the boundaries it has set for us. Only if... but who cares anymore???

I guessI have babbled enough for today. Please add me on Facebook. :)

Toodles :)

Juniour year! Again!!

So I haven't posted about my crazy twisty weird junior year since I don't know when. I don't get enough time to write on, although there is sooo much going on!

To begin with, the 'Gothic inside' guy found out about my blog and that is the reason I had to shut my blog for a while. Then I had to make him promise not to access it and then make the blog accessible again. Now he has been asking me since then to let him read the blog. And all I can muster as an answer is 'no'. When he asks why, I say it's not just meant for people who belong to the place I babble all the time about. What else can I say "Oh no, I can't let you read it 'cos it is filled with crap regarding you and a lot of other people from junior year. Stuff that people are not supposed to know even exists in my mind." Yeah right! This online diary is SOOO not meant for people about whom it is written! It is filled with crap.

By the way, I think I should find another name for the 'Gothic inside' guy. He really ain't that Gothic although he is a little freaky. Okay not just a little, maybe a wee bit more than that. He does a really weird thing with his eyebrows, moving them frantically up and down; makes him look like a freak! And then he can contort his tongue in a really eerie way, that makes him look like a freak as well. Other than that he isn't that bad a guy, in fact he is a good friend now. So we'll just call him...ummm...okay why don't you people select a name. You have been reading about him for a long time. For now I'll just stick with 'Gothic inside' guy! 

Okay, so there are some guys in  my grade, who can get killed anytime this week! You wanna know why?? Simply because I HATE them so darn much, that I won't mind killing them. I mean what is their problem?? I don't talk to them, don't mingle up with them, never did anything bad to them..WHY THE HECK ARE THEY AFTER ME??? Freakin' assholes (sorry for that, but I am really pissed off!) One of them keeps pointing and laughing at me and mimes whatever I say!! And the other one, he is just bothered about every freakin' thing that I do! I hate even looking at their faces. They even seem like perverts to me! ASSHOLES!!

But I rather not fight anyone! So I just hide my menacing emotions for those abominable hideous dorks and move on as if I don't notice anything.

High School is soooo complicated!!!

Anyway, I created a Facebook badge, please add me. Talking of Facebook I think I have just had too much! I am turning into an addict. I keep playing Farmville all the time or socializing with people or taking stupid applications. I just can't stop, just can't freakin' stop. (Okay, is the word freakin' starting to sound a little weird to you!!) 

I interviewed for the English literary society today, I hope I get in. My interview went really good. The 'Gothic inside' guy auditioned with me as well. His interview went pretty good as well. Let's see what happens!

After this I'll visit some of my favorite blogs. I am thinking of giving my blog a makeover, please tell me what do you think of the idea, should I give it a make over or should I let it be. I have to study loads but I sooo don't feel like it. Please add me on Facebook! :)

Toodles!

I feel like crying!

I missed the annual examination board ceremony in which I was to receive an award! I feel like killing my self, I feel like crying and I totally hate myself. Who misses board ceremonies?? They are such MAJOR events, maybe dumbos like me. I wish I could bush the rewind button and go back and receive the award!! I suck!! :(

I can mark this moment as one of the biggest moment of REGRET in my life! I feel like wailing and weeping and crying out loud. But what is done is done, and it won't ever come back. I missed one of the biggest events in my life and it won't ever come back.

I'll sit here write down my sorrows, cry in front of my mommy and daddy and then one day I'll look back at it and say 'Darn, I wish I was there!'

Maybe everything happens for a reason and maybe God had a reason behind it, things I might never know. I'll just humanly keep blaming myself and crying!! :(

They call us 'terrorists'!

My school is off today, and it will be for the next 2 days! The reason: Pakistan has been under constant threats from the terrorists. Everyday you can hear the televisions blaring with the news of how many people lost their precious lives to satisfy the bloody, life-thirsty appetites of beasts from nobody-knows-where.

Yesterday, the two blasts in the university, situated in the state capital killed two students. This is where we stand. The thirst for knowledge and the dream of having a decent career can result in your own life being snatched away from you, making you a part of this bloody endless race in which nobody wins. Today the people of this nation are under such trepidation, that they have to think a million times before heading towards a school. They have to consider it over and over if they should move out of their houses to earn a living. This state of uncertainty and fear is where every Pakistani citizen dwells these days and there is no way out!

In the past three years we have lost count of the number of people who became the victims of these terrorist attacks, we have lost count of the children who were orphaned, of the women who were widowed, of the mothers who lost their flowers, of the families who lost their only source of earning. We have lost count of the tears that have stained innocent faces, the blood that was shed and the hearts that were broken. Over the time of these past three years, we have lost count of how much every Pakistani has suffered!

But today when we go anywhere outside Pakistan, people call us Terrorists! They call us extremists, they think we are killers, they say Pakistan is dangerous! Maybe I couldn't disagree with that, 'cos Pakistan is dangerous, but we are not killers. And those who are, they are not Pakistanis and neither are they Muslims. Muslims don't kill innocent people, they don't celebrate when innocent blood is shed. In fact they aren't human beings, they are animals; who just care about satisfying their hunger and nothing else.

So if you are one of those who call us terrorists, please think again! 'Cos in this endless reign of terrorism, no state has suffered as much as Pakistan has. I pray to God that He will protect us from those whose hunger for blood will never end. Amen.

My granddad, may God bless his soul

Okay so It has been two weeks since or maybe more than that since I last wrote a blog post! In fact I had to shut down my blog for a while, the reason for that: the 'gothic inside' guy from my grade found out about my blog and I sooo didn't want him to know about all the freaky bad stuff I have written about on this blog of mine so I had to shut down the blog for a while! But I really couldn't keep myself away so I sorted stuff out with him and made him promise that he won't visit it and here I am blogging again!

But while I was away, something saddening happened, just a day before my birthday! Something like a black hole, a dark whirlpool which just swooshed away the happiness in me making me feel miserable! My granddad passed away on the morning of 4th October 2009.

There are somethings in your life of which you grow so accustomed that you only realize their importance when they go missing. That is how I feel about my granddad's love, maybe I was so accustomed of having him around, of moving around in the air filled with his love and concern that I never realized that someday I'll have to deal with his absence. That someday the air would be empty that some day things would change and never ever be the same. I never thought that 4th October 2009 a day before my 16th birthday, would be that 'someday'!

My granddad was a great unique man, his style was different. The way he did things, it was like no other. I never realized how much he actually loved until I thought over each and every memory I hold in my mind, while sitting in a corner at his funeral. He wanted me to be a journalist or an analyst. He really did care and all those times when I used to get pissed off by him, I forgot how much he actually loved me!

It is weird how this world works! How you don't realize anything unless its absent, how the black holes can drown you in with them. How one human life can leave an impact on a hundred others.

All I remember doing in the two days that followed his death is crying, remaining silent, crying, remaining silent. Everything I did was a reminiscence of the time he was around. I missed college the next day, I didn't have enough courage to actually make myself go.

The day after I attended college. I left my house with a heavy heart, kept trying to suppress my tears, but that lump in my throat just won't disappear. I kept swallowing in the attempt that it'll pass but it didn't. Finally when I got off my vann and entered the college I let go and broke into tears. The 'gothic inside' guy said some words which my blank mind failed to understand. But he kept uttering and stuff finally started making sense. He was successful in cheering me up. People were really nice to me the whole day, made me feel better and for the first time every I was happy being stuck here in this high school, with these people!!

Well I am finally back to blogging. My mom is shouting wants me to close the computer down. I have loads of homework and have to take a bath as well. For all those reading this post, Welcome back to the Diary of an All-Pakistani girl!