Two years back, boys seemed like other-worldly species. Except for the presence of my brothers and dad, I grew wary of every other male presence that lingered by. Little crushes yoked to the possibilities of marriage and everything seemed as if meant to be. There were innocent feuds and I used to cry for my friends and get jealous. :)
Two years back, acing 10th grade was a major part of my life, career and university seemed distant, like those hills I gazed at the night before I left Pakistan. Hills which glistened with sparkles of light, hills which seemed way further than they actually were.
Two years back, when we talked about perverted topics, in fact, even relationships in hissed voices. Our jaws dropped to the floor just thinking of being in a relationship, abandoning the ethical codes of religion and society.
Two years back, I was the girl known as the plucky tomboy of the class. Straight forward and clear. The girl who came from a respectable family background and had a classy sense of style. The girl, who was liked and hated by a lot of people. The girl who watched wrestling and sweet romantic movies (secretly). The girl who left an impact on almost everyone she met and who let people leave an impact on her unconditionally!
Two years back, even my wildest dream couldn't have been as imaginative as to predict the possibility of being a thousand miles away from Pakistan in the next two years.
One year back the immigration letter made it's entrance into our lives.
A year back, I started in a co-ed school. When I was just too careful and awkward with guys, I thought they were my enemies! And then when I made good friends with the guys and girls, I moved in a group of 13 people. Loved by everyone. Did well in school yet felt underestimated all the time. Felt depressed.
A year back I found the most wonderful friend in a person who had been with me (unnoticed) for 12 years. She was so sweet and innocent sometimes I felt bitter compared to her. Her feelings so delicate and sensitive made me realized the decency she embraced. We talked like we have done a lot of wrong things and that we were a mess. A year back I never realized I would miss her that much.
A year back, I started acknowledging my surrounding like never before. I observed people caught up in the interplay of lust and youth, always trying to prove something with their braggadocio. Talking about all those western things like they were an obvious part of their lives. I observed people, trying to follow the western patterns of society defying our social norms and virtues.
A year back, I cursed myself whenever I had an unintended physical contact with a guy because it was against my culture and religion. I avoided perverted group conversations, 'cos I thought they adulterated the healthy friendships. I stopped myself from getting in to a relationship or breaking the norms of my society. And although, I slipped at some points I got back up, with stronger self-control and confidence.
A year back, I had seriously started considering the point that Pakistan might not be a witness to my entire life after all and Calgary might take Pakistan's place for a while. I started doing things, thinking it might be for the last time. My feelings were a mixture of a desperation and elation; the joy of a new experience and the grief of leaving everything behind.
A year back, I listened to Jonas brothers and Miley Cyrus and got disturbed even at the idea of smoking weed, or drinking. A year back, even after knowing everything, I was far away from the real world; living in the cocoon under my parent's protective wings not ready to face the world.
A year back, I learned how to get over stuff. I learned how to move on with life and I learned the importance of my friends in my life.
Today, I am a part of a liberal North American high school. Every day I come across many people with all sorts of faiths and cultures and I stand head-high proud of my own. I observe different cultures and it makes me love my culture even more. I understand how each culture in the world has it's roots and values and how absurd it is to follow a culture that contradicts your own.
Today, I talk to guys with extreme self-control. I am determined not to be a part of a relationship that would eventually end up in a break up. I am determined to maintain a zero physical contact policy till I get married. Boyfriends, relationships or sex doesn't fascinate me like it does a lot of people. My culture doesn't allow this and neither should I wallow in it.
Today, I strongly believe that Allah wants us to explore the world because he doesn't want our views to be primitive. Living in Calgary has made me closer to God, it has enlightened me about things I wouldn't have known had I lived in Pakistan forever!
Today, I feel independent, ready to face the world. I am out of my cocoon. I make my own decisions and I chose my own paths and I know my parents are there trusting me and guiding me through my life. I believe in myself and God. And I don't give a damn about people who have problems with me 'cos I have faith in God!
Today I listen to Nickelback, One republic, Lifehouse and John Mayer because their music and lyrics makes more sense to me than Jonas or Cyrus ever could. I think over issues deeply and avoid mistakes.
Today, while on my way to the mall, with my two new friends I realized, how drastically three years have changed me, in to a more sensible, more mature adult. How Allah has been generous to me keeping me away from major sins.
Today, I have no regrets, nothing I want to change in my past, nothing I have to change and nothing I have to redeem. I am an individual who made, through Allah's help, all the right decisions, who didn't hurt anyone, who respects and values all of Allah's creations in this world. I respect people's religions, their cultures and their traditions. There is a reason why Allah created so many different people in this world.
Today, I write this blog post to record this wonderful moment of enlightenment and gratitude, that life is such a wonderful gift and God has written our faiths with such adeptness that we can hardly cry for a misfortune. I don't know what Allah has planned for me, but I am sure they are big plans! :) And oh God, I trust you with my life so much! :)
I guess this was a sentimental post!
Tata! :)
