The two sides of my coin!

Calgary, is starting to work out for me so well. The school, the neighborhood, the city, the people. I am actually starting to like each bit of it. The beautiful way the surroundings here depict the weather. The way leaves change their color to welcome fall and the way the wind grows more brutal with each day to slowly prepare the dwellers for the winters. I love the wave of happiness that washes over my heart when I feel the warmth of the sun's rays on my skin.

Allah helped me through this process of settling in, He made me move on from people who made fun of me in school and thank Him for people who are nice to me or at least talk to me in a very nice way! :) I found the nicest people in school and have someone to hang around with in every class. School life is on track! :)

I dropped in job applications at two places today, as I am seriously looking forward to working somewhere and earning money. Now, I want to earn money for a lot of reasons. To begin with, I want to send some money in form of charity back to Pakistan for people who are suffering due to floods or poverty. Secondly, I need to satisfy my atrociously wild shopping desires; I mean, I need to upgrade my closet, like a real fashionista, I need to have clothes that are classy and chic. My clothes from Pakistan won't work here as they are meant for warmer climates, so for that I need money. Thirdly, my brothers can't work at this point so I want to look after their little needs as well, so for all these noble causes I need bucks and for bucks I am ready to satisfy my weekends and work! :)

My mom and dad are looking hard for jobs too and I have an intuition that, InshAllah by Allah's will, our future looks bright and promising. :) Calgary is beginning to accept us, as we are beginning to accept Calgary. :) Our house is starting to feel like a home and my brothers and I are as interactive and loving as ever, helping mom and dad and each other. It's like the family is coming closer, growing stronger. :)

But that was just one side of my coin, but when you flip to the other side; things are different.

Every morning when I wake up, I glance at the picture frames on my bedside table and never, does a tear miss a chance to escape my eye and roll down my cheek slowly, making it's movement felt; slithering against my skin. Every morning one such tear makes me realize how half of my heart is still in Pakistan with the people I love more than all other creations in this world combined. Immediate family, they are always loved but then there are people that don't classify as immediate blood but you love those people like brothers and sisters. Those are the people who keep denying when I ask for half of my heart back.

I log on to Facebook and I take hours replying all those people, trying my best to make my presence felt. Telling them about my school and life here. All of them are so wonderful, they always reply me and they miss me so much. They skype me and I know very well, they love me and it comforts me so much to know that.

People keep messaging how they miss me but I hate saying I miss them back. You know why? Because they are empty words compared to my emotions. They are empty words to describe how each of my thought, during the course of the day, links back to Pakistan or someone in Pakistan. They are empty words to describe that every once in a while I surreptitiously wipe a tear off my cheek before anyone notices. They are empty words to describe how every time I go shopping I start looking for things I would have given to my people as birthday gifts. They are empty words to describe how often I imagine myself in situations I would have been in had I still been living in Pakistan. I imagine myself in senior year in Pakistan and the major parties my friends go to and the sleepovers my cousin have. For everything I go through everyday due to separation from Pakistan saying 'I miss you' seems so empty and bland.

My feelings are torn apart between Calgary and Canada. My heart is divided in two. I wanna go back to Pakistan but I wanna be in Calgary too (both wishes have different rationales). I want my people to come here and visit me too. I want Pakistan to improve and be as developed as Canada. It's like everything I think of is chained to two different thoughts. One regarding to Pakistan other to Calgary! For example when I think of weddings, I think of Pakistani weddings. They are so colorful and vibrant and then I think of western weddings how simple and elegant they are. And then I think how would I like mine to be and the answer to this is: I'd like to have both! :/ See, this is how it is in my mind!

John Mayer seems to be aware of such a condition. Because the lyrics of his song 'Half of my heart' is an exact word-to-word description of the sentimental state of my mind right now.

And I am not lying when I say that every word exactly matches my feelings:

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart

Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you, can’t keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart ( And my mind tells me to keep the past behind me and move on)

I was made to believe I’d never love somebody else
Made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, until the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart

Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Than half of my heart
But I can’t stop loving you
I can’t stop loving you
I can’t stop loving you
I can’t stop loving you
I can’t stop loving you
With half of my . . .

Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart

Half of my heart’s got a real good imagination
Half of my heart’s got you
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won’t do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who’s never truly loved anything

Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart . . .

Okay and just one last thing before I finally say a 'Tata'. You know, how some fragrances and clothes and songs generate this weird vibe of nostalgia in you. Well, when we landed in Calgary this was the song that was on the plane while we were waiting to go off. At that time, I was a emotional wreak, repugnant towards the idea of moving and I thought I had nothing to look forward to. Well, this song gives me that weird nostalgia!

These were the two sides of my coin.

Tata! :)