I just can't help writing here!

A few days back my cousin asked me if I had quit blogging and I was like, well, I just don't get the time to post here. I have so many things going on. But in my heart I was kinda sure that I would never be writing here again. This blog seems so immature now. My previous posts about stupid things I once cared about. And things I used to make a big deal out of. I was so sure I would never update this ever again.

But I guess I was wrong.

I had nothing to do, so I decided maybe I will read through some posts I wrote here and enjoy that feeling of nostalgia. And here I am, writing another post. It's always so hard for me to let go of things. I just can't let go of things. In fact, it's not just things I can't let go off; I can't let go of people either. Even if they have been awfully rude or mean, a single apology from them would make me want to be with them. So yeah, I am like that. What can I do! :)

And my blog traffic might be very close to a BIG ZERO right now. But I guess that's okay, I am writing this one cos I really feel like it. I am writing this for the future me. So that when I randomly decide to revisit my past 10 years down the road (InshAllah) it's all right here! :)

Anyway, starting from where I left last time. I was waiting for my acceptance, scared of not getting it. Well, I got it. MashAllah! :) I got into the program of my choice and not only that I also got into an Honours program in the university. MashAllah, I am so happy. Other than that, I kinda bombed my finals as well MashAllah and am entering the university with an 84.6% average. Not too shabby, I guess.. Not too shabby! :D

It's hard to believe things are working out that well MashAllah. I guess, it's hard to measure my gratitude towards Allah. He brought me to places I never dreamt of being in. He has been kind to me and I guess, my gratitude can never measure up to His blessings.

Anyway, I guess, I don't have much to write. So Imma stop! :) If you are reading this, I am glad you gave my blog a visit. :)

Best wishes everyone! :)

Running

Updating my blog is like this instict. Like there comes a time when something from my inside calls out that I should update my blog and I should write. And therefore, I write. I don't even know where to begin, like always. Life has been so fast I am, it's difficult catching up with. SO everyday I run. I run like a bad ass animal trying to catch up with shit. Everyday. But i don't mind, it's better than lying still. Way better!

So where am I right now? I am in school, got hold of a computer so I am chilling. Accidentally logged into the wrong blogger account and then thought of updating my blog! :) Anyway, I have my graduation ceremony this Friday, attended the Grad dance last week. So yeah just a few weeks left in school and then I have my final exams and then I am all good! Forever! No more high school. I am happy, it's been a long journey. A long long one, through 2 countries, through three schools and loads of freindsd and teachers and memories! I am glad I am done!

Talking of school, just so everybody knows, I am still waiting my acceptance from the university. And praying that I get it. I am scared, I ahve back up plans but a no would be hard to swallow. I am hoping for the best. :)

Other than that everything is the same, nothing new or interesting. I got a new job, yaya! :) So I got a salary raise and the people I work with are super nice! :) So that is taken care of now too. The winters in Calgary are finally over so it's all summery here now! :) :) It's not as warm as Karachi but it's nice. :) It's beautiful.

I was just thinking how long have been writing this blog and how much I actually enjoy it! :) I am not able to write it much anymore but anyway, it's a pleasure to write here.

I don't believe it's already almost a year since I came here. Everything goes by so fast. It all so quick! It's crazy! My dad has promised me that I can visit home next summers. So that keeps me going. I miss home, of course I miss home but now it's not as intense as it used to be.

I wish I had something else to say, something interesting or fun but I don't. I hope all of you out there are doing awesome. :) And may everything work out for you. Have wonderful summers! :) :)

P.S Somebody posted this anonymous comment on my last post. I would really like to know who that is. If that person visits again. :)

I am broken but I have not given up yet!

So I was reading the comments on my last post and was astonished at myself. How can I manage to stay away from my blog for so long? It's been ages. My dear friend Ayak thought I had stopped blogging, for which I certainly don't blame her because I have been completely absent from this wonderful world of blogs. :) Daisy, was kind enough to leave the URL of her new blog on the comments, thanks for that Daisy. It's kind of a co-incidence you know because just today I was thinking about you while working on my creative writing assignment.

Uhhhh... I really don't know where to start from. It's been so long. SO long. Even I have forgotten how many times I have fallen down and gathered myself to stand back up again. Everything these days has been a stress. Everything! :( My final exam result turned out to be a MAJOR disappointment. I got a 77% in Math although my class mark was a 88%, I got a 73% in English. I just don't know where I keep going wrong. I don't know! I worked hard, yes I did! For everything, I was working for a scholarship that would finance my education but how can I get a 90% average if I keep going wrong? I am trying so hard to accept the failures I keep meeting. I am trying, I am trying like anything in this world but everything seems stagnant. Like nothing is moving. Like nothing is working out. And then I just end up crying myself to sleep or feeling lost and hopeless.

The university wouldn't accept me because I don;t have three years of Canadian education. They require me to give some friggin' expensive long English tests even though my English Language is like all the other High School students in my school. I applied back in November and I haven't gotten accepted yet even though my average is good and I am doing good overall but the stupid English requirement! :''''( Maybe if I would have gotten a 75% on my English Final things would have worked out better but I didn't because I am a dumb ass. It's just taking me so long to accept it. I feel so hopeless and lost and alone. I don't have my friends here, I don't have my cousins here. I have my mom who is very supportive and I couldn't ask for more but I have always been surrounded by so many people that it's insanely difficult to go through everything alone. So on the top of everything I miss my family and friends so much that it's painful.

I am working my ass off to get enough money for my visit to Pakistan next year. I try hard to save up everything I earn, I don;t get myself clothes much just occasionally, because I want to visit more than anything. I miss everything so much. And sometimes I have awful days and I have nothing I can do about it, but I talk myself through it and tell myself I am doing this to get educated and go back and serve Pakistan. And most of the days I am very strong and optimistic and accepting but then there are days like this, when I let go and I cry and I try consoling myself. I am learning to live on my own. I am learning to support myself. I have always have my parents and my brothers, I can't compromise on them but there are other tiny spaces around my that are empty and I am filling them as I grow. I swear I am trying my best. And I guess, I will keep trying, even if it means accepting my failure to the point that I am content with being a failure. I will keep trying.

I am broken but I have not given up yet.

P.S Sorry for such a whiny post, the comeback was supposed to be stronger, but I really needed to write this down. Thanks for reading my blog :) I know, I am ungrateful and whiny but hopefully I won't be like this in the future. :)