I am broken but I have not given up yet!

So I was reading the comments on my last post and was astonished at myself. How can I manage to stay away from my blog for so long? It's been ages. My dear friend Ayak thought I had stopped blogging, for which I certainly don't blame her because I have been completely absent from this wonderful world of blogs. :) Daisy, was kind enough to leave the URL of her new blog on the comments, thanks for that Daisy. It's kind of a co-incidence you know because just today I was thinking about you while working on my creative writing assignment.

Uhhhh... I really don't know where to start from. It's been so long. SO long. Even I have forgotten how many times I have fallen down and gathered myself to stand back up again. Everything these days has been a stress. Everything! :( My final exam result turned out to be a MAJOR disappointment. I got a 77% in Math although my class mark was a 88%, I got a 73% in English. I just don't know where I keep going wrong. I don't know! I worked hard, yes I did! For everything, I was working for a scholarship that would finance my education but how can I get a 90% average if I keep going wrong? I am trying so hard to accept the failures I keep meeting. I am trying, I am trying like anything in this world but everything seems stagnant. Like nothing is moving. Like nothing is working out. And then I just end up crying myself to sleep or feeling lost and hopeless.

The university wouldn't accept me because I don;t have three years of Canadian education. They require me to give some friggin' expensive long English tests even though my English Language is like all the other High School students in my school. I applied back in November and I haven't gotten accepted yet even though my average is good and I am doing good overall but the stupid English requirement! :''''( Maybe if I would have gotten a 75% on my English Final things would have worked out better but I didn't because I am a dumb ass. It's just taking me so long to accept it. I feel so hopeless and lost and alone. I don't have my friends here, I don't have my cousins here. I have my mom who is very supportive and I couldn't ask for more but I have always been surrounded by so many people that it's insanely difficult to go through everything alone. So on the top of everything I miss my family and friends so much that it's painful.

I am working my ass off to get enough money for my visit to Pakistan next year. I try hard to save up everything I earn, I don;t get myself clothes much just occasionally, because I want to visit more than anything. I miss everything so much. And sometimes I have awful days and I have nothing I can do about it, but I talk myself through it and tell myself I am doing this to get educated and go back and serve Pakistan. And most of the days I am very strong and optimistic and accepting but then there are days like this, when I let go and I cry and I try consoling myself. I am learning to live on my own. I am learning to support myself. I have always have my parents and my brothers, I can't compromise on them but there are other tiny spaces around my that are empty and I am filling them as I grow. I swear I am trying my best. And I guess, I will keep trying, even if it means accepting my failure to the point that I am content with being a failure. I will keep trying.

I am broken but I have not given up yet.

P.S Sorry for such a whiny post, the comeback was supposed to be stronger, but I really needed to write this down. Thanks for reading my blog :) I know, I am ungrateful and whiny but hopefully I won't be like this in the future. :)