I am broken but I have not given up yet!

So I was reading the comments on my last post and was astonished at myself. How can I manage to stay away from my blog for so long? It's been ages. My dear friend Ayak thought I had stopped blogging, for which I certainly don't blame her because I have been completely absent from this wonderful world of blogs. :) Daisy, was kind enough to leave the URL of her new blog on the comments, thanks for that Daisy. It's kind of a co-incidence you know because just today I was thinking about you while working on my creative writing assignment.

Uhhhh... I really don't know where to start from. It's been so long. SO long. Even I have forgotten how many times I have fallen down and gathered myself to stand back up again. Everything these days has been a stress. Everything! :( My final exam result turned out to be a MAJOR disappointment. I got a 77% in Math although my class mark was a 88%, I got a 73% in English. I just don't know where I keep going wrong. I don't know! I worked hard, yes I did! For everything, I was working for a scholarship that would finance my education but how can I get a 90% average if I keep going wrong? I am trying so hard to accept the failures I keep meeting. I am trying, I am trying like anything in this world but everything seems stagnant. Like nothing is moving. Like nothing is working out. And then I just end up crying myself to sleep or feeling lost and hopeless.

The university wouldn't accept me because I don;t have three years of Canadian education. They require me to give some friggin' expensive long English tests even though my English Language is like all the other High School students in my school. I applied back in November and I haven't gotten accepted yet even though my average is good and I am doing good overall but the stupid English requirement! :''''( Maybe if I would have gotten a 75% on my English Final things would have worked out better but I didn't because I am a dumb ass. It's just taking me so long to accept it. I feel so hopeless and lost and alone. I don't have my friends here, I don't have my cousins here. I have my mom who is very supportive and I couldn't ask for more but I have always been surrounded by so many people that it's insanely difficult to go through everything alone. So on the top of everything I miss my family and friends so much that it's painful.

I am working my ass off to get enough money for my visit to Pakistan next year. I try hard to save up everything I earn, I don;t get myself clothes much just occasionally, because I want to visit more than anything. I miss everything so much. And sometimes I have awful days and I have nothing I can do about it, but I talk myself through it and tell myself I am doing this to get educated and go back and serve Pakistan. And most of the days I am very strong and optimistic and accepting but then there are days like this, when I let go and I cry and I try consoling myself. I am learning to live on my own. I am learning to support myself. I have always have my parents and my brothers, I can't compromise on them but there are other tiny spaces around my that are empty and I am filling them as I grow. I swear I am trying my best. And I guess, I will keep trying, even if it means accepting my failure to the point that I am content with being a failure. I will keep trying.

I am broken but I have not given up yet.

P.S Sorry for such a whiny post, the comeback was supposed to be stronger, but I really needed to write this down. Thanks for reading my blog :) I know, I am ungrateful and whiny but hopefully I won't be like this in the future. :)

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I am leaving tomorrow for Canada, that's where we are moving!

And trust me, leaving Pakistan sucks! :/ : /

Making things work...

The last time I made a post I was feeling awfully glum and gloomy. I felt confused, defeated and lost. Things in school can be really harsh at times and you just stand there and stare as things take over you. People make journeys from zeros to heroes, from nobodies to somebodies, while you are just invisible. A nobody. A mere shadow, nothing else.

Well, to my joy, I have taken control over such feelings. I have shut them up in the less-cared-of corner of my mind. So what, if I am a nobody in high school. So what, if the hot guys don't notice me. So what, if all the popular and pretty girls underestimate me. So what, if I am a pathetic loser?

I took some time and sorted out a lot of stuff. I thought over stuff, I learned to accept some harsh realities. Life really isn't as complicated as we make it. Allah has gifted us with a life which can be as simple and uncomplicated as anything, but we choose to make it difficult and incomprehensible. We choose to tie knots and cry over them. (Seriously I do that a lot!)

The problem is that I can't help it. I am this really over sensitive person, who thinks a lot. A LOT. Things are so over thought inside my head that it gets absolutely impossible to digest them the way they are. I turn a small knot into this one big knot.

So, anyway, with a huge help from my mom, my dad, my cousin Ash, my friends at school -I just love them- my blog readers: Galikea, Amy, 'fly in the web', and Ayak , I am finally almost over the sad stuff; for now. I never know when events might force me into transferring the sad thoughts back into obsessed part of my mind. But for now, I am as happy as birds in spring. I am chirpy! :)

So in the past few days, I figured some really important things, which got me back up again.

Here they are:

1, Those who believe in themselves the least, have the most to offer. -Kyle, from Kyle XY said this, and it just got me!-

2, Life is an occasion, rise to it. -from some movie-

3, Life is a monotony, unless you have lived as a loser once. That is what, being an All-Pakistani girls is all about. She goes through everything. And losing is a part of it. So I am happy that Allah has given me this chance to lose, so I rejoice to a greater extent when victory comes my way again. -I figured this out on my own-

4, People who matter, love me, unconditionally.

5, Allah has given me more than I can ask for.

6, I have been a great achiever in my past. I have been the editor of the school magazine. A paid writer in a newspaper. A position-holder in examinations. So what, if others take me as a loser, I have been bestowed with wonderful things to be proud of.

7, I have my life in front of me. Many opportunities and people, who'll always support me through thick and thin.

8, In this world, people are going through worse situations than I go through. Hunger and poverty. I think, it's selfish for me to grieve over my little, meaningless sorrows and ignore what others go through.

After all this, I don't think it's fair to remain glum and gloomy. Being happy is vital, I have big aims and big goals. If I go weak, I might not be able to make the journeys that lie ahead. So with many knots untied, I continue with my life, happy, satisfied and gratified. After all, this life is too short to cry over stuff, all the time!

Thanks for visiting my blog, even though I don't gt time to return your comments. I am awfully sorry about that.

When things just don't work..

It's been a long time since I last blogged. High school just keeps me so busy I hardly get time. And usually when my high school routine spares me some time, I am so tired that I just fling myself on the bed and snooze off.

The past week, I was really busy. I had the science project thing going on. I had two projects on my plate. And trust me, science projects are no joke at all. I had to work my ass off to get them right . I was up the whole night, the day before yesterday to work on my management sciences project. I got no sleep at all last week. So yesterday, when I came home I went to bed at five in the evening and woke up at nine in the morning. Thats like almost 16 hors of sleep. WOAH!! And during that period, I had like 6-7 dreams and they crossed my mind at different times through the day. Well, if it isn't already obvious, I am one heck of a dreamer, literally!

Anyway, I mentioned that I was running for the elections, in my previous posts. Well, I feel really bad to write that I wasn't selected. The committee threw me out of the whole election scene, although I spoke my heart out in the interview. I just failed to understand where did I go wrong. I gave in a 100% in my interview. I just really wanted it to work.

You know, things have been going really really wrong for me. I have turned into a loser, a social reject in high school. Everything I try out for, I don't get it. Even the people in the English literary society don't consider me as a member. They don't include me in anything.

So, when I came home yesterday, I cried my heart out in front of my mom. I was so disappointed in myself. It's as if all the popular people rule. It's just them and no one else. I really don't know why I didn't get to run in the elections. I gave in such an intellectual-kinda interview. Maybe, my tears aren't worth it. But it still felt awful bad.

Anyway, I feel much better now, I prayed to Allah, and I know that he is the Master. He has planned things for me and I don't need to cry over His decisions. No wonder, His decisions hold importance over all mine. May my decisions always be overshadowed by His. Ameen. Today, while praying I understood this. Now, I don't feel that bad.

Today, the schools are off, due to a public holiday. And the best part is I still have two days to look forward to. I need sometime at home, to get away from all the drama; some time with my family.

I really really miss my cousin today. It's been long since we last met and I desperately need that one-to-one time with her, when we go all crazy and stuff. I seriously miss that. I hope she visits soon.

Well, that's all that I wanted to say. I don't know when I'll be blogging next, I hope it's sometime soon. :)

Where do I stand??

I have been pretty busy lately preparing for my Mid-terms.  I am trying to put most of my time in studies. Pretty unsuccessful though, I don't think I am still putting in 100%. It is not even 50%, dang! The thing is I am addicted to my blog and all those who leave their comments on my posts. Yesterday while practicing trigonometry, a thought about Amy randomly made it's way in my mind and then I started thinking about Mel and Galikae and Ayak. I wondered what was happening around in their lives. Therefore I promised that I'll update my blog tomorrow and visit everyone else's. So here I am.

Now let's begin with what has been up in my life. Well to begin with, I am starting to lose faith in myself. I am clinging hard to that little string that says: 'It's alright!'. I want to do so much. But my determination doesn't seem to have the magnetic quality of attracting opportunities. The right opportunity doesn't fall in my lap at the right time. I did the debate, I screwed up! I didn't get the editor thing for the school magazine. I got into the English literary society, but nothing ever happens over there. I have lost faith in my writing skills, my public speaking skills. I don't even think, I write that good, anymore. There are so many talented people around me, they use such big words. I never get a big word when I want to. My writings are so stupid and simple. My debate sucked, I know. That is why I lost. I don't even know what people think of me!! :(

I want to do so much. I want to change the world someday, I aspire to do a lot. I have big aims for tomorrow. But I am soo weak at heart. I lose hope quickly, I have faced many failures in life and no wonder they have made me strong. I wait restlessly for my moment, which I call as my moment. I know I suck at writing, I am not even talented or creative!!! Where do I stand?? Which quality do I possess? I seriously have no clue!! 

So I cling to my faith in God and hope that He'll help me retrieve my faith in myself. I shed a tear or two sometimes, but I pray that things will get better. And I try my best to believe that they will, 'cos after all I have faith in God. And that helps. 

I am finally down to my 50th-post. I have a surprise for my blog readers. I am busy these days and don't get time to return comments. I just want to tell y'all that you are the nicest blog readers ever and your comments; they always help! Love ya.   

Here is a hit new Pakistani song I am addicted to..enjoy! IT IS H.O.T!! :P

 

Crying day!

So I broke, unintentionally into tears today at the lunch time in front of my friends and probably a lot of other people around. I just couldn't help it, two bad days in a row were just too much for me to handle!

Yesterday, I lost the debate. Today, I lost the post for the support co-editor of the school magazine. And there is this teacher's pet girl who got that. Just because she has been to America while I am just a local. My teacher wouldn't want me!!

So when I heard about this, I was soo flabbergasted that I started crying, hot burning tears started rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't stop crying. My friends went all wary, they started consolidating and stuff. It is nice to have a good bunch of people around you, who try to make you feel better even when it is next to impossible!

So, then in a crybaby voice, I told the 'Gothic inside' guy everything that had happened, and he cheered me up in a really nice way. nice guy he is! :)

The real reason, I was really disappointed was that in my old school a friend of mine and I, were selected as the editors. I did all the work while my friend chilled out. And when the magazine came out, her name was there as the editor all-the-same! She was given equal credit!

Anyway, her friend showed the magazine to a teacher and the teacher got her selected for the post of second post. The first one was taken by the teacher's pet girl. This boiled me up to the brim... I was all like, a girl can get the post in regard of the work she never did and I couldn't get it for my own freakin' hard work!

So this made me cry and I cried my heart out when I came back home and my mom was worried sick. She hates when I cry..I hate that too!! But I couldn't help it.

A girl of my class read my blog and now I'm kinda cautious!! I did make her promise that she won't read it again, I hope she sticks to that, or I'll have to shut my baby bloggy down. Enough for today.

Toodles! :)

Hurt!! :(

So there is this guy who lives in our neighborhood, two years younger than me. He is a friend of my brother's and a friend of mine as well. So 3 months back, back in July he confessed, that he is madly in love with me. Let's just call him Mr.A. 

Mr.A goes to a posh school in a city, you know the ones where all the brats and daddy's princesses study. People from such schools usually have this major superiority complex and consider everyone inferior to them. They believe that they are the only people who can afford every thing! Money is everything for them. 

Now, I don't goto a super posh school but my high school is certainly one of the best in Karachi (the city where I live) but as it is not situated in a posh area, I certainly am a part of the inferior society in their eye.

I am a really average Pakistani girl, I have a tan  complexion, little dark circles round my eyes, really really really really bushy hair and a healthy figure. I am not the model type perfect girl, who spends a lot of time on her to make her look good. I am average and I am content with that!!I belong to well-off family and get everything I ask for. I am not spoiled but I don't have to compromise on stuff either. I goto a high school a lot of people dream of and I have a bunch of really cool friends with me. I am absolutely thankful to God for everything I have and I can ask for nothing more!! 

So when Mr.A confessed to me (0n Facebook chat) I tried knocking some sense into him. Made it clear that I am older than him, that I don't like him back, that there are better, hotter girls in his school. But he was determined and I gave up. I still think it is awfully stupid of him to like me, but I am pretty impotent at this point!

So Mr.A put a status on me on Facebook and one of his daddy's-princess-friend was all like, 'I have seen the picture of the girl whose name started with 'k' (me), are you serious?? :D' on his status. And then Mr.A went like, 'How do you know about this!!'

When I read this for a while I felt kinda bad. Bad that I ain't that pretty, bad that I don't go to such a school. I mean, when she said 'are you serious?' was it like, I am not worth being liked?? And I wonder where she saw my picture from! Maybe I am not the pretty princess type but I still have a darn heart and sometimes it still hurts! I can go around being all sensible and mature but by the end of the day I am a sixteen year old teenager, I have feelings and a heart!!!

Is money the only freakin' thing that matters these days, and even if it does it is not like I am broke. I am pretty content but I guess it is more important to live in a posh area, study in a posh school and spend as much money on yourself as you can to appear pretty all the time!! Other things, they don't matter anymore!!!

I kept trying to explain myself, reasoning it out that how stupid it is to feel bad for such a thing. It is not like I like Mr.A back, so why should I care? But I have to admit I am just sixteen and that thing the girl wrote, just broke through all the walls of maturity and sensibility right into the fragile heart of this sixteen year old. And this sixteen year old is really really hurt! :( 

I feel like crying!

I missed the annual examination board ceremony in which I was to receive an award! I feel like killing my self, I feel like crying and I totally hate myself. Who misses board ceremonies?? They are such MAJOR events, maybe dumbos like me. I wish I could bush the rewind button and go back and receive the award!! I suck!! :(

I can mark this moment as one of the biggest moment of REGRET in my life! I feel like wailing and weeping and crying out loud. But what is done is done, and it won't ever come back. I missed one of the biggest events in my life and it won't ever come back.

I'll sit here write down my sorrows, cry in front of my mommy and daddy and then one day I'll look back at it and say 'Darn, I wish I was there!'

Maybe everything happens for a reason and maybe God had a reason behind it, things I might never know. I'll just humanly keep blaming myself and crying!! :(