I always hate switching on to news channels 'cos I hate listening to bad news. But running away from things doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that my fellow country men lost or evacuated their houses due to the flood. It doesn't change the fact that the flood swept away 140 lives with it. It doesn't change the fact that every night millions of children sleep with an empty stomach, with extinguished hopes.
The flood
The worst flood in the last 80 years
Three million people affected
140 people died
Allah has been generous enough to keep us safe from this tragedy but a lot of others have been tested and they had to leave their houses to move to places that were not affected by the flood. The Pakistani government, as always, disappointed the citizens once again by coping with the situation slowly rather than being brisk with their actions. And although our forces are trying their best to rehabilitate the citizens, it's still not enough, 'cos when you're talking about 3 million people even the best efforts are less.
And then again a lot of people question that is this the best Pakistan can do?
Everyday, I feel guilty that I live such a life when my fellow countrymen starve. I sleep in my comfy bed when the houses of my fellow countrymen were flooded by rain water. I want to go to those places. I wanna work there. I want to see people smile. But I know that can't happen.
This blog post is a little effort to lighten that stain of guilt on my heart. Pakistanis all around are donating for the victims of the flood. You can donate too: Here are some links
Okay so It has been two weeks since or maybe more than that since I last wrote a blog post! In fact I had to shut down my blog for a while, the reason for that: the 'gothic inside' guy from my grade found out about my blog and I sooo didn't want him to know about all the freaky bad stuff I have written about on this blog of mine so I had to shut down the blog for a while! But I really couldn't keep myself away so I sorted stuff out with him and made him promise that he won't visit it and here I am blogging again!
But while I was away, something saddening happened, just a day before my birthday! Something like a black hole, a dark whirlpool which just swooshed away the happiness in me making me feel miserable! My granddad passed away on the morning of 4th October 2009.
There are somethings in your life of which you grow so accustomed that you only realize their importance when they go missing. That is how I feel about my granddad's love, maybe I was so accustomed of having him around, of moving around in the air filled with his love and concern that I never realized that someday I'll have to deal with his absence. That someday the air would be empty that some day things would change and never ever be the same. I never thought that 4th October 2009 a day before my 16th birthday, would be that 'someday'!
My granddad was a great unique man, his style was different. The way he did things, it was like no other. I never realized how much he actually loved until I thought over each and every memory I hold in my mind, while sitting in a corner at his funeral. He wanted me to be a journalist or an analyst. He really did care and all those times when I used to get pissed off by him, I forgot how much he actually loved me!
It is weird how this world works! How you don't realize anything unless its absent, how the black holes can drown you in with them. How one human life can leave an impact on a hundred others.
All I remember doing in the two days that followed his death is crying, remaining silent, crying, remaining silent. Everything I did was a reminiscence of the time he was around. I missed college the next day, I didn't have enough courage to actually make myself go.
The day after I attended college. I left my house with a heavy heart, kept trying to suppress my tears, but that lump in my throat just won't disappear. I kept swallowing in the attempt that it'll pass but it didn't. Finally when I got off my vann and entered the college I let go and broke into tears. The 'gothic inside' guy said some words which my blank mind failed to understand. But he kept uttering and stuff finally started making sense. He was successful in cheering me up. People were really nice to me the whole day, made me feel better and for the first time every I was happy being stuck here in this high school, with these people!!
Well I am finally back to blogging. My mom is shouting wants me to close the computer down. I have loads of homework and have to take a bath as well. For all those reading this post, Welcome back to the Diary of an All-Pakistani girl!
So I updated you on the first day of my junior year! And I gotta say that it absolutely sucked but, my third day...umm..not so bad! I discovered that some people, or should I say some guys in my class are really funny! Every time they talk, you just smile or giggle or sometimes even laugh!! My Maths teacher is not that bad either, he teaches pretty well but there is one thing about him with is pretty....(wordless)....surprising! A patch of his hair, that are set on his forhead is white! A white patch on jet black, maybe he thinks that it makes him look intellectual or some...well it sooo doesn't!!! :P
Anyways, let's come to the topic I really wanna talk about in this post! It is something which uptil now has a huge impact on my life! I call it a test from God, I call it way in which my life asserted that it is not essential that you get everything! No matter how bad you want it!
Intrigued?? What is that thing which could get this bubbly Pakistani girl, numb with tears??? Let's start the time traveler ( A complicated machine voice) and....5th August 2008!
It was the second day of my school, my sophomore year, or what we call it here, Matric year (10 grade, after which is college or junior and senior years!), I was excited like hell, and why shouldn't I be? The names of the nominees for the student's council were to be announced! Now being a talented student, not only me but almost the whole school was expecting that my name would be announced as a nominee for the Head girl or maybe the President of the English Literary Society, but apparently it turned out that the faculty (who choose the nominees) didn't think so!
When the names were announced I was absolutely devastated to know that my name wasn't in it! Maybe I was expecting to much or maybe I just wanted it soo bad that when at first the names were announced I went absolutely NUMB! I hit me sooo damn seriously that at first I had no idea how deep the scar will go. But in the days that followed, I wasn't kept in dark much longer from the idea that how deep my scar is!
I looked at the people who were nominated thinking that I knew that I was better than a lot of them! But what could I do? Everything was out of my hands, what was to happen did happen and I just stood their watching it all happen! Powerless, voiceless!
I cried and cried for ages after that, 'cos I just couldn't believe that I didn't get something I wanted sooooooo bad! I had worked hard for it, it was a goal; an aim! But I just didn't get it!
And the biggest thing is it took me forever to get over it, in fact I rather say, that I am still not over it! I still have something, in the corner of my mind which mourns on how I lost! I mean I just have a flashback in my mind: I got sooo messed up, sooo lost! All I could think about was that, I even used to cry secretly in school, but apparenty nobody cared!
Those were really hard times of my life! I cried, got lost, cursed the faculty to my level best, wrote all the bad words I could think of in my diary about them and just kept crying all the time!
Back to 5 August 2009,
At night while I was revising my Physics lesson, I looked at the date on my leacture note book and I listened to the song "Somewhere I belong" from Linkin park 'cos that song really matched my condition word by word and I had listened to it on the night of the incident as well! I smiled at how much things had mattered to me, how much I mourned over what I lost and today I sit here smiling at those time, cos time is the best healer isn't it?
I have a bunch of opportunities waiting for me, a whole life in front of me! I smile at how just an year ago I had cried and cursed, and here I am today smiling at what had happened! For everything that happened, I believe the Almighty has a reason, which we as puny humans are to insignificant to understand! Whatever Almighty made happen has reasons, which are unquestionable! I have my faith, which I didn't have a year ago!
Anyways, so this is the story behind my 5th August! I categorize this day as a life changing one! Now I expect less and if I don't get anything maybe God has His reasons and I have my faith!! Do you have any life changing experiences? Why don't you write in! Here is the song with words which reflect exactly how I felt that night!!
I had to go to school for the rehearsal of our Matriculation convocation (matriculation equals to sophomore year), so I decided to spend the rest of the day at my friend's place. Sarwat has been my friend since sixth grade and she is the only friend who I am allowed to visit. Why not others, well let's just say that there are somethings we call as limitations in our society. In respectable Pakistani societies (the one where I belong) girls are protected from an outsider's eye. Girls don't move around as liberally as men do and they have to carry a dupatta, a large piece of cloth, with their dresses to cover themselves. It's not necessary that one covers her head with the dupatta, but a duppata is otherwise very important. This doesn't mean that girls are held back, girls are allowed to get educated and work. They even study with guys, but we have limits, such as pre-marital relationships and physical contact with guy is regarded as utter vulgarity. Guys and girls don't mingle around a lot and we have a strong system of arranged marriages, which work out most of the times! But please keep in mind that I talk about respectable Pakistani families here. Other family types, I'll cover them sometime later! This is how a our Pakistani national dress looks like, it's called Shalwar Kamiz (btw the girl in the pic is not me!)
So the reason I am allowed to go to Sarwat's place is that they are a respectable family and I am pretty fine with it! It was fun to visit school (Let me state that I went to an all girls school). It had been so long since I had seen faces I was used to of seeing everyday (two months to be exact). I got to meet a lot of people; some really nice ones, some not soo nice ones and some what can I say I hate 'em. While I was waiting for Sarwat's driver to arrive I had a little thought provoking chat with a friend of mine (can't mention the name), who is a genious student and a really nice person. You might be wondering why I introduced the talk we had as thought provoking, well the thing is that while we were sitting she just started talking about the hard times she is going through. Her dad's inconsistent job and how bad she feels for that. Her voice was soo watery and her eyes were all teary! It just put me to the thought that how spoiled I am and how I just get everything. It made me feel ashamed of myself that I am so unaware of what people might be going through! Their struggles, of how it feels when you want something but you know you can't get it! I was speechless, I didn't know how to console her. My thoughts were enough to keep me engaged within myself while I delved my vocabulary for the right words. Before I could utter much Sarwat beckoned me to the door. Her driver was there. I took my friend's number and promised to keep in touch. I was too pensive to say anything else! So what did Sarwat and I do when we got to her place...umm...Talk talk eat talk and laugh! For me it was more like I poured everything right in front of her until my head felt empty and light! I think she did the same 'cos by the end of the day we were feeling soo light and refreshed that we laughed on the most stupidest of things! It was certainly a day! After I came home, I was sooo damn tired and sleepy that unintentionally, I had to make my way to my bed. It was not what I'll call a sound sleep but it was certainly a necessary one. While I snoozed away my brothers used the laptop to play games, but after an hour I was up again so they had to leave! Usman, complaint that he didn't get a chance to play a single game! Oh well! So I browsed around here and there for a while and then went back to my mere nothingness, my sleep! I call it a day!!!
