I missed the annual examination board ceremony in which I was to receive an award! I feel like killing my self, I feel like crying and I totally hate myself. Who misses board ceremonies?? They are such MAJOR events, maybe dumbos like me. I wish I could bush the rewind button and go back and receive the award!! I suck!! :(
I can mark this moment as one of the biggest moment of REGRET in my life! I feel like wailing and weeping and crying out loud. But what is done is done, and it won't ever come back. I missed one of the biggest events in my life and it won't ever come back.
I'll sit here write down my sorrows, cry in front of my mommy and daddy and then one day I'll look back at it and say 'Darn, I wish I was there!'
Maybe everything happens for a reason and maybe God had a reason behind it, things I might never know. I'll just humanly keep blaming myself and crying!! :(
Okay so It has been two weeks since or maybe more than that since I last wrote a blog post! In fact I had to shut down my blog for a while, the reason for that: the 'gothic inside' guy from my grade found out about my blog and I sooo didn't want him to know about all the freaky bad stuff I have written about on this blog of mine so I had to shut down the blog for a while! But I really couldn't keep myself away so I sorted stuff out with him and made him promise that he won't visit it and here I am blogging again!
But while I was away, something saddening happened, just a day before my birthday! Something like a black hole, a dark whirlpool which just swooshed away the happiness in me making me feel miserable! My granddad passed away on the morning of 4th October 2009.
There are somethings in your life of which you grow so accustomed that you only realize their importance when they go missing. That is how I feel about my granddad's love, maybe I was so accustomed of having him around, of moving around in the air filled with his love and concern that I never realized that someday I'll have to deal with his absence. That someday the air would be empty that some day things would change and never ever be the same. I never thought that 4th October 2009 a day before my 16th birthday, would be that 'someday'!
My granddad was a great unique man, his style was different. The way he did things, it was like no other. I never realized how much he actually loved until I thought over each and every memory I hold in my mind, while sitting in a corner at his funeral. He wanted me to be a journalist or an analyst. He really did care and all those times when I used to get pissed off by him, I forgot how much he actually loved me!
It is weird how this world works! How you don't realize anything unless its absent, how the black holes can drown you in with them. How one human life can leave an impact on a hundred others.
All I remember doing in the two days that followed his death is crying, remaining silent, crying, remaining silent. Everything I did was a reminiscence of the time he was around. I missed college the next day, I didn't have enough courage to actually make myself go.
The day after I attended college. I left my house with a heavy heart, kept trying to suppress my tears, but that lump in my throat just won't disappear. I kept swallowing in the attempt that it'll pass but it didn't. Finally when I got off my vann and entered the college I let go and broke into tears. The 'gothic inside' guy said some words which my blank mind failed to understand. But he kept uttering and stuff finally started making sense. He was successful in cheering me up. People were really nice to me the whole day, made me feel better and for the first time every I was happy being stuck here in this high school, with these people!!
Well I am finally back to blogging. My mom is shouting wants me to close the computer down. I have loads of homework and have to take a bath as well. For all those reading this post, Welcome back to the Diary of an All-Pakistani girl!
So I updated you on the first day of my junior year! And I gotta say that it absolutely sucked but, my third day...umm..not so bad! I discovered that some people, or should I say some guys in my class are really funny! Every time they talk, you just smile or giggle or sometimes even laugh!! My Maths teacher is not that bad either, he teaches pretty well but there is one thing about him with is pretty....(wordless)....surprising! A patch of his hair, that are set on his forhead is white! A white patch on jet black, maybe he thinks that it makes him look intellectual or some...well it sooo doesn't!!! :P
Anyways, let's come to the topic I really wanna talk about in this post! It is something which uptil now has a huge impact on my life! I call it a test from God, I call it way in which my life asserted that it is not essential that you get everything! No matter how bad you want it!
Intrigued?? What is that thing which could get this bubbly Pakistani girl, numb with tears??? Let's start the time traveler ( A complicated machine voice) and....5th August 2008!
It was the second day of my school, my sophomore year, or what we call it here, Matric year (10 grade, after which is college or junior and senior years!), I was excited like hell, and why shouldn't I be? The names of the nominees for the student's council were to be announced! Now being a talented student, not only me but almost the whole school was expecting that my name would be announced as a nominee for the Head girl or maybe the President of the English Literary Society, but apparently it turned out that the faculty (who choose the nominees) didn't think so!
When the names were announced I was absolutely devastated to know that my name wasn't in it! Maybe I was expecting to much or maybe I just wanted it soo bad that when at first the names were announced I went absolutely NUMB! I hit me sooo damn seriously that at first I had no idea how deep the scar will go. But in the days that followed, I wasn't kept in dark much longer from the idea that how deep my scar is!
I looked at the people who were nominated thinking that I knew that I was better than a lot of them! But what could I do? Everything was out of my hands, what was to happen did happen and I just stood their watching it all happen! Powerless, voiceless!
I cried and cried for ages after that, 'cos I just couldn't believe that I didn't get something I wanted sooooooo bad! I had worked hard for it, it was a goal; an aim! But I just didn't get it!
And the biggest thing is it took me forever to get over it, in fact I rather say, that I am still not over it! I still have something, in the corner of my mind which mourns on how I lost! I mean I just have a flashback in my mind: I got sooo messed up, sooo lost! All I could think about was that, I even used to cry secretly in school, but apparenty nobody cared!
Those were really hard times of my life! I cried, got lost, cursed the faculty to my level best, wrote all the bad words I could think of in my diary about them and just kept crying all the time!
Back to 5 August 2009,
At night while I was revising my Physics lesson, I looked at the date on my leacture note book and I listened to the song "Somewhere I belong" from Linkin park 'cos that song really matched my condition word by word and I had listened to it on the night of the incident as well! I smiled at how much things had mattered to me, how much I mourned over what I lost and today I sit here smiling at those time, cos time is the best healer isn't it?
I have a bunch of opportunities waiting for me, a whole life in front of me! I smile at how just an year ago I had cried and cursed, and here I am today smiling at what had happened! For everything that happened, I believe the Almighty has a reason, which we as puny humans are to insignificant to understand! Whatever Almighty made happen has reasons, which are unquestionable! I have my faith, which I didn't have a year ago!
Anyways, so this is the story behind my 5th August! I categorize this day as a life changing one! Now I expect less and if I don't get anything maybe God has His reasons and I have my faith!! Do you have any life changing experiences? Why don't you write in! Here is the song with words which reflect exactly how I felt that night!!
